


Shipping and Handling: or, How the Postal System Ruined My Life

by orphan_account



Series: AusHun Week 2018 [1]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Aushun Week 2018, Day 7, Epistolary, F/M, Letters, Love Letters, anyway can you believe ao3 doesn't let you put emojis in stories?, the title's a pun on shipping ya geddit?, totally messing with my vision
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-02 13:54:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15797889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "Are you really going to be on your own for the holidays?"Austria sends a letter to the wrong address. For AusHun Week Day 7: Letters.





	Shipping and Handling: or, How the Postal System Ruined My Life

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [check the pipes for frost ;](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3109913) by [therentyoupay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/therentyoupay/pseuds/therentyoupay). 



> HIYA! Happy AusHun Week!!! I've loved this week and I'm sad it's coming to an end today, but seeing how I'm pretty fond of this fic, it's exciting that I'm finally able to post it!
> 
> I know it's a little weird that I posted the fic for the last day of the week first. I wrote three others for this week, and I do plan on posting them here later, but I want to edit them a bit more before I do. In the meantime, if you're curious and can't wait, you can read them on my Hetalia sideblog (aph-hangry.tumblr.com)! I'm posting this one now because tumblr is awful and can't handle the specific format that I want for this piece...
> 
> I'd also be remiss if I didn't credit therentyoupay for providing a lot of inspiration for this fic! Their story "check the pipes for frost ;" is an excellent piece of epistolary writing, and a highly recommend checking it out, especially if you like Jelsa or Disney/Dreamworks. Regardless, I based this piece somewhat off that. 
> 
> Finally, while I make no promises, I wanna say that I may write a longer version of this eventually, since I'm having fun with the idea. Keep an eye out!
> 
> Thanks very much for taking the time to click on this fic!!! I appreciate you reading, and would also especially love any and all comments!

April 14, 2018

Mr. Gilbert Beilschmidt:

Cease and desist immediately. You have disturbed my garden for the last time. I cannot be sure where you keep getting such massive quantities of cow excrement, but I do know where you live and enough of your personal information to report you at a moment's notice. If you try to deny that you were the culprit, or if you try to come onto my property unbidden again, I will not hesitate to involve the police. Do not contact me again ever.

Sincerely  
Dr. Roderich Edelstein, PhD

* * *

April 18, 2018

Dear Dr. Edelstein,

I'm sorry, but I think you have the wrong address. No person with that name lives here currently, although he did just recently move out from this location.

That being said, I am, unfortunately, familiar with the person you addressed this letter to, since he was my roommate until just recently. I feel your pain. Would you like me to knock some heads in? (That was a joke. Mostly.)

I wish you luck getting this situation solved!

Sincerely,  
Ms. Erzsébet Hedervary

* * *

April 27, 2018

Dear Ms. Hedervary,

Please accept my sincerest apologies that you had to be privy to such a thing. I am extremely regretful that you had to be exposed to such ugliness. Rest assured that I never had nor have any intention of involving you in my personal affairs.

If you would allow me to explain the first letter you received: I've been acquainted with Mr. Beilschmidt for quite some time, since we were at university together, and he has played a number of pranks on me over the years, but I felt that this most recent one took things much too far. I thought that the threat might get him to back off for awhile, although I realize now my mistake, as I forgot that he recently moved in with his brother. No one else was meant to see that nasty version of me, and I'm truly sorry that you had to.

In addition to near-crippling embarrassment, the reason it took me so long to send this letter is that I wanted to give you a small token as an apology for getting you involved in this. You'll find several flowers from my garden inside the envelope, which I've pressed over the last several days to preserve them. Two of them are African violets and the rest are star pentus.

Once again, I hope I didn't disturb you too much with my first letter, and I hope you enjoy the coming week.

Sincerely,  
Roderich Edelstein

P. S. It occurs to me that, in the first letter you read, I mentioned that part of my garden was covered in cow feces. Please let me assure you that the flowers I sent you were not anywhere near this ruined section of the garden, in case you were worried. 

* * *

May 3, 2018

Dear Dr. Edelstein,

Wow. Ok, first, let's get one thing out of the way. You don't have anything to apologize for. It was a mistake anybody could have made, and when you think about it, it's pretty funny. Don't worry--I promise my fragile lady constitution can handle a few strong words.

Second, if you think I'm going to just accept your extremely sweet gift and not reciprocate, you, sir, are sadly mistaken. I may not send letters on lavender-scented and monogramed stationery like some of us here, but I can't let such a nice gesture go. I care about being proper too, believe it or not. You'll find some jam squares in the box. They're my grandma's recipe, slightly modified (and improved, if I say so myself). No nuts, lactose, or gluten, and I attached a list of ingredients too, since I wasn't sure what your restrictions might be. I hope you're able to enjoy them!

Again, absolutely no hard feelings about the letter. You were so sweet to respond in the way that you did! As I'm writing this, I just now realize that I was too busy being cute to actually say thanks for your gift, so here's a last note to say I really do appreciate it!

Sincerely,  
Erzsébet Hedervary

(P. S. Maybe this is overstepping, but I feel like I already know a little bit about you from the couple of letters you've sent me so far--namely that you're a) very kind and b) very concerned with propriety. Like, the kind of person who'd try to respond to my gift by sending another gift, and then cause me to feel guilty again and send yet another gift, until we're both caught in a stalemate of aggressive politeness. An endless ouroboros of gift-giving. An eye for an eye, only where the eyes are, like, knitted goods.

Anyway, just to be very clear, I don't expect you to send anything in return. This is just a thank-you I'm sending for being so sweet. I seriously don't need you spending a fortune on postage over me. No more gifts necessary.)

* * *

May 8, 2018

Dear Ms. Hedervary,

I hope you're not going to press charges for this.

No doubt you noticed the package that came with this letter. Please know that I did not send it because I felt obligated to repay you in any way or because you guilted me or anything of that kind. In truth, I found the jam squares absolutely delicious, and if I may say, I don't give all the credit to your grandmother. You're an absolutely marvelous baker. If you don't mind my asking, when you're making these, what consistency do you prefer the dough to be after you've added the sugar and flower? In the past I haven't been able to get the cookie crust both crumbly and moist in exactly the way that I want it, but you seem to have accomplished it. I would appreciate some of your expertise. Consider the gift this time around to be in exchange for the helpful information.

Also, do you have any other dishes you're particularly fond of making? I do quite a bit of baking myself, though I'm much more experienced with cakes and tortes than with pastries. I'd be curious to know what your other specialties are.

Thank you so much for your gifts and your correspondence thus far. You've frankly been a breath of fresh air to talk to.

Sincerely,  
Roderich Edelstein

* * *

**FEWIKS UWU**

I'M ACTUALLY GONNA KIKL HIM  
*KILL

omg  
omg who  
:DDDDDDD  
GDI ERZSI WHO R U GONNA KILL  
ANSWER ME

Sorry I was busy crocheting becauSE THIS MOTHERFUCKER

adhdjakaksb what

HE SENT ME GODDAMN CAKE  
A HOMEMADE CAKE  
I FUCKING TOLD HIM NOT TO SEND ANYTHING

OMG UR PENPAL DUDE??????? XD  
i love it lmao  
ur seriously made about free food tho?  
*mad

We've sent each other like four letters, I wouldn't call us pen pals.  
HE'S SO NICE I HATE IT  
I'M MAKING HIM A TRIVET FOR HIS TEA KETTLE

i'm DYING  
omg erzsi

DON'T ASK ME HOW I KNOW HE DRINKS TEA A LOT  
OR HOW I KNOW HE MAKES IT IN A KETTLE AND NOT IN THE MICROWAVE LIKE THE REST OF US HEATHENS  
I JUST  
CAN TELL

erzsi is he hot

Idk probably not? From the way he writes he's probs like  
Sixty

i'm fb stalking him l o l

He's just really sweet to talk to.  
FELIKS NO

FELIKS YES  
holy shit :0

Oh god what??????

a DADDY

F E L I K S

lmao no but fr he's like 26 and like preppy-hot  
there's like n o t h i n g on his wall but his profile pic is hella cute :3c

Don't :3c me

U got a husbando >:3c

* * *

October 20, 2018

Dear Roderich,

That's right, your care package this time around consists of one (1) rock. You're gonna deal with it.

(Disclaimer: I wanted to get this letter out as quickly as possible, seeing as it's been a week since I got your last one. As of writing this, though, out of the past 36 hours, I've slept about 2 and a half. The rest of those hours were spent either a) not being able to sleep on some very pebbly ground or b) trying to herd a bunch of eight-year-olds away from patches of poison ivy. Please forgive me if parts of this letter sound a little loopy.)

Anyway, the rock! I picked it up while I was hiking along the river because there's a fossil in it that I thought looked really beautiful. It's the imprint of a fern, if I'm not mistaken. There were plenty of fossils where we were walking, lots of shells and things, and you'd better believe the kids wouldn't quit looking for them until they'd all gotten a pile. I wanted to bring you back the one that was a plant, seeing how you're the gardening type.

Hope you don't mind that the gift isn't much this time around. I've been on this camping trip most of the week. You remember how I said I was going to be volunteering as a chaperone on this trip for kids? It was fun when it wasn't terrifying. Imagine me and five eight-year-olds, each of which has had about seventeen marshmallows in the past half hour and who keep daring each other to catch the sparks flying off the bonfire in their bare hands. I'm just thankful there were no broken bones. Last year I went on this trip and one of the kids (in another adult's group, not mine, thank God) broke his collarbone. It could've been worse, is all I'm saying.

You even came up, believe it or not. I was using some of the flowers you'd pressed me as a bookmark and a couple of the kids noticed and wanted me to tell them how to make that kind of thing. I told them I'd gotten the flowers sent to me by a nice man who I wrote letters to and who liked to hand-make gifts. They stopped me in the middle of the story to tell me they already know who Santa is. I thought you'd get a kick out of hearing that. (I think I recall you telling me once that you like kids? You seem like the type who would, anyway. Just my opinion.)

The truth is, Roderich, all during the trip I kept thinking about how much I was looking forward to writing you this letter. I don't mean to say I was dwelling on it in a bad way or thinking about it so much it kept me from having fun. Sort of the opposite, really. Whenever something nice happened, I was thinking about how much I was looking forward to writing to you about it. I don't know about you, but to me there's something about putting the little details of my life into a letter that makes moments seem more special. I've mentioned it before, I think, so stop me if you've heard this one, but I really can't tell you how much I appreciate the way you we exchange notes and how you always respond so kindly to my rambling. Maybe you're not Santa, but I do get a touch of that Christmas morning feeling when I get one of your notes. I love how you read all the crap I write you so carefully and genuinely respond to it like you're interested. I sort of wish everyone were as good as you in terms of communication.

Have I overstepped? Probably, but I think maybe you're used to it by now. Thanks as always for the flowers--I don't know how you still manage to grow such gorgeous ones in mid-October, but then I knew right from the start that you've got the magic touch with plants. You must have an incredible greenhouse. As for me, I think it's time for me to sleep before I say anything more stupid. I hope you have an absolutely delightful week. Write me soon if you can!

\--Erzsi

* * *

October 26, 2018

Dear Ms. Hedervary,

I assure you that your gift has not gone unappreciated, just as I've loved every gift that's preceded it. I'm delighted and enchanted by your rock. The way I see it, it's even timely. Have you ever seen The Great Pumpkin? Receiving your package, I felt not unlike Charlie Brown, quoting that timeless refrain: "I got a rock." The way I see it, your gift fits the Halloween spirit.

I guess my reference to an old children's movie provides enough of a hint that yes, I have interacted with children in the past and quite like spending time with them, though I haven't gotten the opportunity to do so much lately. While I can't say I envy you the poison ivy and the mosquitos and whatnot, I do love the idea of being around so many kids. I've told you that I teach music theory at the university, if I'm not mistaken. What I didn't tell you is that, for awhile, I considered going into music education for grade schoolers. I decided against it in the end because of the stress and the low pay, and I'm fairly sure that I'm better for it, or at least I'd like to believe that I am. Still, I do wish that I had more of an opportunity to interact with children day-to-day.

I do, in fact, have a greenhouse in my backyard. I won't go into all of the incredibly dull details of how I maintain it, but I will say it's a joy to walk through. A bit like magic indeed when you see frost outside the glass windows and find yourself brushing against orchids and gardenias on the inside. What I'm trying to say is that there's no shortage of new flower gifts, if you still enjoy getting them. I am, in fact, no Santa, and I think that I'm not nearly as creative with presents as you are, but I'll keep sending you pressed flowers for as long as you want.

Frankly, I can't fathom why you're describing the way you write as "crap." It's no burden at all for me to read your letters. I'm just as eager to get yours as you are to get mine, if not more so. You never need to worry about annoying me.

I hope that you've caught up on sleep by now, though I'm not convinced, given how often you seem to be on the go. Speaking of which, I believe I recall you saying that you would be running a marathon in the next several weeks? I wish you the best of luck on that. I know you must be training very hard for it now. Please take care of yourself in the midst of all that. I hope you have a lovely end to your October.

Sincerely,  
Roderich Edelstein

* * *

November 2, 2018

Dear Roderich,

This will unfortunately be a quicker letter, since I am in fact busy training. (How did you even remember that?? I think I mentioned the marathon once months ago.) However, some Important Things need to be said.

1) CALL ME ERZSI. None of this Ms. Hedervary business. We're friends. Erzsébet if you must, but only if you promise to remember the accent mark.

2) Please look at the photo I sent in the envelope of my dogs in their Halloween costumes.

3) I just now booked tickets for my flight to Budapest in December. I'll be going to spend the holidays with family for the whole month. I'm telling you this both because I'm excited about it and because I have a proposal. I was wondering if you'd be alright with switching our ongoing conversation to email? It'll be much more convenient than snail mail when I'm abroad. Plus, honestly, I've been wanting a faster way of communicating with you. Much as I love our old-fashioned letters, I'm an impatient millennial and I'm getting tired of waiting days to hear from you. You're just too nice to talk to.

Please let me know what you think and if I can give you my email address!

\--Erzsi

* * *

**Basch Zwingli**

Hey, when can I pick up the vacuum cleaner you borrowed from me?

10 tomorrow.

Don't you work at 10?

10pm I meant.

Roderich I'm not driving to your fucking house at 10 at night for a vacuum.  
Pick another damn time.

Well I'm busy at other times. I don't know what to tell you.

Jesus, you're in a mood. Something happen?

Not really.

Yeah, whatever. I'm not coming any later than 7.  
Listen, even if you're being a dick I want to know if something's actually wrong.

I got another note from that woman I've been writing to.

Ok? You've been getting a lot.

She sent me a photo of her.  
Well, it was a photo of her dogs, but she was in the background.

Cool??

She's beautiful.  
I've never seen a photo of her up until now, but she's really lovely.  
I can't say I'm surprised that she's beautiful though.

For fuck's sake, Roderich.  
Why don't you meet her face-to-face already?

Don't be ridiculous.  
She only knows me as some strange man who sends her flowers now and again, and that's fine. She doesn't have to know me as anything else than that. I don't want her knowing that she's been talking to a prim stick-in-the-mud the whole time.  
She does interesting, important things all the time. She'd be bored meeting me.

Yeah I mean most people are.

Thanks for that.

Look, you don't shut up about her. Sooner or later you have to address this with her. If nothing else so you quit whining to me about it.

I didn't ask for your advice.  
I'm leaving your vacuum cleaner out on the porch tomorrow for whenever you come around to pick it up.

It's supposed to rain tomorrow.

Yes.

I hate you.  
Talk to that woman. 

* * *

From: redelstein@aol.com  
To: magyar-ish@gmail.com

Dear Erzsi,

First of all, thank you for pushing me to bring this conversation into the 21st century. Attached as I am to my stationery, I think you're right, and it's about time we had a faster way to communicate.

I suspect that you've arrived in Budapest by now. I really can't tell you how much I'd love to be in your shoes right now. Christmas in Central Europe is like no other, if you ask me. I hope that, if you're able, you get the chance to go to Vienna while you're there. My family is from Austria, as I've mentioned before. We used to travel there for the holidays and visit the Christmas markets. I always remember drinking hot chocolate from little ceramic mugs shaped like boots. It's all full of warmth and light there. You couldn't want much more out of this season, I think.

Regardless of what you decide to do on your vacation, I would like to hear every bit of it. I'm in the middle of a large research project, so I suspect that the work will keep me away from most of the festivities. I'll have to experience Christmas cheer vicariously through you.

I understand if you can't write as often while you're busy with family and travel. Still, I appreciate any updates I can get. Enjoy every minute of the holidays!

Sincerely,  
Roderich Edelstein

* * *

From: magyar-ish@gmail.com  
To: redelstein@aol.com

Dear Roderich,

I want to respond to this in more depth later, but if you don't mind I have something to ask right away. Are you really going to be on your own for the holidays? If so, could you please tell me when you're available to talk? Even if it's late at night, because you know I sleep at odd hours anyway. If you're up for it, I really, really would love to Skype with you. I know you don't like showing your face that much, but I can't stand the thought of you being alone this time of year. Please let me have a (sort of) face-to-face chat with you.

\--Erzsi

* * *

From: redelstein@aol.com  
To: magyar-ish@gmail.com

Dear Erzsi,

As always, your kindness shines through in this letter. I feel humbled that you care enough to know whether I'm feeling lonely at this time. I think I've worried you needlessly, though. I'm not feeling sad this season, only a little envious of your lovely trip. I'm going to pass on your offer to Skype, though it's an offer I really do appreciate. I hope your stay has been wonderful so far!

Sincerely,  
Roderich Edelstein

* * *

**FEWIKS UWU**

I think maybe I'm being annoying.

sounds like ur being true to yourself then! ;*  
ur annoying but ur MY annoying  
lmao  
jk love ya bb <3

  
K first off I told you we're in the 21st century and no one uses emoticons anymore  
Second BE SERIOUS

oooooh :DDD  
this about ur new HUBBY >:3c

SHUT UUUUP  
Besides at the rate things are going we'll have our first kiss 500 years from now...

also less-than-3s are still TOTALLY VALID  
Oh shit  
What happened

I asked if he wanted to Skype and he's just...  
Really not into it.

oh bruh is that it?  
erzsi fr that doesn't mean he like  
hates ur guts

What if it does though?  
Feliks you don't get it. He's so reserved.  
What if I've just been massively intruding this whole time?  
Like  
He's just humoring me or whatever???

woah  
broski

I really thought we were getting close and he'd want to meet me like I want to meet him but  
Idk

Erzsi  
Look u know I'm serious now because I'm forgetting to strategically undo the autocapitalization on all my texts for effect  
Listen some people r literally just shy  
Like back when I was getting close to Toris?  
We'd been friends for months but I still totally freaked when he was gonna come to my place for the first time  
I had to take half an hour on the kitchen floor to cry  
Just me and the swiffer cuddling on the tile  
don't ever tell him i said that

LOL

D O N O T

I remember that!!  
And yeah I guess that's a good point  
I just hope ur right

PLEASE i always am

Ok. I'm taking my mind off it.  
It's CHRISTMASTIME DAMMIT  
I'm gonna MAKE COOKIES and LISTEN TO FUCKING CAROLS

there you go!!

It didn't work.  
I'm still thinking about it.  
I can't stop thinking about all the ways I might have bugged him.  
Just...constantly talking about myself in all those letters.  
Just never shutting the hell up.  
I sounded like an idiot to him, I'm sure I did.  
And I don't even know why I care so much but I do.  
I really care what he thinks of me.  
I'm sure you're asleep now so don't worry about responding to this after you wake up. It's just a vent.  
Just...God, I'm embarrassed. 

* * *

Dear Erzsi,

I don't mean to bother you again so soon, but I just wanted to clarify something about my last message. It's not that I don't want to talk to you, nor that I think you'd be unpleasant in person. Quite the contrary, I feel

[DRAFT DELETED]

Dear Erzsi,

I've been considering your offer to talk over Skype, and while I appreciate it deeply, my desire not to expose you to my dull ways

[DRAFT DELETED]

Dear Erzsi,

There are few things I have ever looked forward to so much in my life as your letters.

[DRAFT DELETED]

Dear Erzsi,

You are so full of loveliness

[DRAFT DELETED]

Dear Erzsi,

You will never read this, but I need to sort through my thoughts at last.

Before we began to write to one another, I lived one day at a time. I woke up and thought only of the work I needed to do for that day until I went to bed. There isn't much else I can say about that time in my life because there isn't much else I did at the time. I kept my head buried in my own business so much that I couldn't look up to watch the days passing me by.

Now I anticipate. Now I look forward to your letters and your presents. I like having your voice in my life--the voice represented in your writing, that is. I think I'd like to know what your real voice sounds like. I know I would like to hear you speak, actually, except that I'm terrified of you knowing me.

There is so much of you in your letters--your warmth and your light and the things you notice and the way you see the world. You're effusive in the way I can only hope to be, in the best way possible.

I can't be that honest with you in my letters. I've presented you with a highly curated version of myself, with all the fussiness, the reticence, the moodiness edited out. You wouldn't be so keen to speak to me if you knew the sort of person that I really am, the one that exists outside the letters.

But then, it occurs to me now, maybe everyone presents the best version of themselves. It's presumptuous, I guess, to think I know the whole of you from your letters. Maybe you're also struggling with

[DRAFT DELETED]

* * *

From: magyar-ish@gmail.com  
To: redelstein@aol.com

Dear Roderich,

I wanted to tell you how beautiful a winter night in Budapest is. The snow is covering the old-fashioned streetlights outside. It softens their glow and makes it seem like little fires are burning beneath the ice. There's still a light snowfall now. It's making everything look so clean. It'll seem bright outside even at midnight.

I wish you could be here. Boldog Karácsonyt.

\--Erzsi

* * *

From: redelstein@aol.com

To: magyar-ish@gmail.com

Dear Erzsi,

I happened to be looking at my email right when you sent this message. Are you by chance available to talk now?

Sincerely,  
Roderich

* * *

From: magyar-ish@gmail.com  
To: redelstein@aol.com

Oh my God, hi! Yes I can chat now! Uhhhh sorry if that last message was a little bizarre. I write bad poetry when I'm emotional lol. 

* * *

From: redelstein@aol.com  
To: magyar-ish@gmail.com

Dear Erzsi,

It wasn't bad poetry at all.

I think I'd like to Skype with you.

Sincerely,  
Roderich

* * *

From: magyar-ish@gmail.com  
To: redelstein@aol.com

Holy shit. Are you serious???

* * *

From: redelstein@aol.com  
To: magyar-ish@gmail.com

If the offer is still open, yes. 

* * *

From: magyar-ish@gmail.com  
To: redelstein@aol.com

OF COURSE IT IS. Tell me when!!!

* * *

From: redelstein@aol.com  
To: magyar-ish@gmail.com

Would now be alright?

* * *

  
From: magyar-ish@gmail.com  
To: redelstein@aol.com

Now is perfect.


End file.
